Please Don't Hire Me To Do Music At Yer Wedding [UPDATED]

What's prompting this? I'll tell you and it yer not going to like it.
(Firstly, I'd like to say that I found this and think it's hilarious, please enjoy)

So like, I guess a lil' over a month ago (I guess I could check the mighty records of Instagram; it was 6 weeks ago) my brother, Jay, proposed to his now ex-girlfriend, current fiancé, and they're getting hitched. Yeh it's great, I'll pass along the congratulations to them for ya. I had no idea you didn't know; crazy! No, I don't know if you're invited to the wedding, you'll have to take that up with them. Sorry! Hmmm, no I haven't thought about the fleeting pressure to get married that my parents have yet to inflict upon me? Why're you doing this? Stop!

So yes. There's a wedding in my future. I think I've been to three weddings in my lifetime, possibly four, but does anything like that count when you're one-and-a-half? I guess the shots that you get to ward off sickness, but any life changing events don't fit the bill. Maybe speaking? How old are you supposed to be when you speak anyway? Guys, I've clearly spent very little time with babies. But that's not important, because this is wedding talk, dammit! Not baby talk! By the way, baby talk is disgusting and a major red flag*, especially when there aren't even babies around.

*You may also know this term as a "make-it or break-it" or a "deal breaker"

And naturally, when there's a wedding around the corner, you find yourself thinking about what the night's going to look like. What suit are you going to be wearing? What shoes will you bring along for after the ceremony that your mom will disapprove of, especially for pictures? What food are you going to be munching on and should you bring like a Clif Bar or some other kind of snack that won't leave crumb-residue? When should I shave so my beard sits on the line of looking good but not homeless? How long should I talk to my aunt for, not longer than 13 minutes divvied out throughout the evening, right? And finally, probably the most impending: what music's going to be playing?

Since talk of engagement, I've made a point of throwing out suggestions for the night just to be helpful; it's because I care**, what can I say? And the one suggestion I half-joke about comes to music. I think hiring a generic wedding DJ is a one way ticket to me being miserable-I don't care if you're my kin and that it's your day/night. The only DJ I want need at this thing is this one and I think we both know the chances of that happening (but I won't totally lose hope) are slim. I don't care if you've known Kai, who has the equipment, for a long time and that he always had good and "cool" taste when you were in Youth Group together. I know for a damn fact that he's going to play that song that commands you and "everyone" to clap their hands and I'm sick of it. There's also the option of the band, but unfortunately not this one. Bands break up, even a little group called The Beatles did and that doesn't bode well for a marriage, now does it? Plus what if they have a bad set and I also don't want to hear a cover of Rascal Flatts' "Bless The Broken Road" (then again, does anyone?) followed by a rendition of a song involving the band members yelling out a "yah!" or "hey!" or "ho!" like they're prospectors out for gold. And if there's only one band you could get, let's not pretend that it shouldn't be an incredibly niche one. At this point, you might as well just use Pandora.

**ladies

So my suggestion? Just use your iPod, dummy. Rent, or better yet buy, a good sound system, maybe like some Bose brand speakers that you can hook your iPod up to with an auxiliary chord and then you hold the control. You can lock an iPod with a passcode from relatives that want to hear "Thriller" seven different times in one night, because your cousin Devon remembers almost all of the moves to the song, the same cannot be said for Kai from your old Youth Group. Surely you have enough music to sustain a couple of hours!? And when you're making your playlist, you can't just press "select full album" on "The College Dropout" or "White People" because skits are distracting and ruin the flow.

You also probably shouldn't let me choose your music. Why? I mean I've got really good taste, but the  other day I was walking back to my apartment, listening to my iPod as one does. Lately I've been listening to The Velvet Underground (circulating between VU, The Velvet Underground & Nico and Loaded), because sometimes ya just need to go back to the basics. They're also some of the best music recorded ever, so-this is for a different time. I was walking and hey look what came on, "Heroin" a song about what you can only guess (hint: actually, no, I'm better than that). I've heard this song more times than I can count and for some reason, I dunno, around the 4:43 mark is when I had the above epiphany and the title of this post. It was simple word association that did it, really. Lou Reed sings "Heroin, it's my wife and it's my life" and my dumb brain did this. I muttered "heh, my wife" but in a Borat voice and imagined how insufferable I'd've been in 1967 with that cultural reference in my pocket back then (assuming I have a time machine and traveled back and did this). Then I thought, "ooh-uh....uh-oh."***

***There are even more apparent warning signs in this song before the 4:43 mark; there's the 1:24, 2:22, 4:18 marks. I'm not proud at the time I clocked in, but it's not a race guys!

Why? Because I imagined myself at my brother's wedding being the only person kind of nodding their head, if that's even possible to do with this song, and getting death stares from everyone. Because no one wants to hear the song "Heroin" at a wedding reception, besides me, apparently. I even told Jay about this and he said that if he were to hear a song about heroin, then he'd much rather hear "I'm Waiting For The Man" which is good, because I know a good Bowie cover that's really spectacular. I think it's a good sign that I stumbled onto this early on. Like if I ever get married, future-Sam's would've been in for some really bummer times realizing he couldn't play the following songs at his wedding (unless his wife is super cool, which she's gonna be most likely, obviously):

"Heroin" by The Velvet Underground
"Wolf Like Me" by TV On The Radio
"Undone (The Sweater Song)" by Weezer
"Electioneering" by Radiohead
"Embassy Row" by Pavement
"Popcorn Superhet Receiver"&"Convergence" by Jonny Greenwood
"Profanity Prayers" by Beck
"The End Has No End" by The Strokes

And pretty much anything else in my iTunes that I love. Actually no, I can save this, here we go