Rage Against The Jachine: Scarf It Down......Deep, Deep Down

I've realized something these past two or so years living in Chicago. It's mid-west territory, obviously something I wasn't manufactured for, especially with all the mysteries it brings. But, like a less (much less) manly Teddy Roosevelt, I ventured into this untamed and uncharted territory and, while I certainly haven't become the cowboy he was, I'd say I'm doing puh-retty, well. Except for one small thing, that I just can't seem to shake. I should preface this by saying, I'm more than aware of how particular this is; it's boarder line insane that I'm actually putting words to this, but hey, ya gotta give the people what they want. And that is a Sam-itorial (kinda like "editorial"; thank you Musers). Am I prepared for the friends I'll lose after this? That's a risk you take in this industry (what industry?). And before you mutter to yourself after reading, oh lets say the forth paragraph, "you're ridiculous" or "this is ridiculous" might I make this counter point? You're ridiculous.

I've talked about everyone's favorite small talk before and while this isn't identical to that, it was something I've put off on talking about. I'll be honest with you, this is an early 2014 post so there might be some cultural references that might not strike as much of a chord now as they did then. For instance, let's just shovel out all this extra fat regarding....let's see here, True Detective, The Indiana Pacers going on to probably win the NBA Title, President Obama finally meeting the Dami Lama (yup, it happened) and that should be good. Aw man, feels good to have shoveled that all away doesn't it? So much more room for important things and discussion topics. So let's talk about it and lets get real. Let's talk about those things around your neck. Let's talk about scarves.

In the outside and under 50 degree weather, I fully support the scarf. I personally don't wear one, generally, because I have one that I've grown (i.e. my beard) and because of the inevitable neck sweat. However, when it gets cold enough, I fully support the scarf and do not scoff (there's gotta be an opportunity at fun word play somewhere in there, right?) at its usefulness. I see it as a utility for warmth, like one might see a Batarang as a utility for thwarting treacherous foe. I get it. I'm no monster.

What I don't get is why the scarf has been adapted, prominently, by the female gender into something so much more. A distraction is what it is. I generally can't stop thinking about your scarf if you're wearing it inside, ya know, a climate controlled area where it generally isn't that cold (unless you're in my apartment for some reason and it's last Saturday morning when you could see your breath indoors, because yeh, I didn't close any windows in upper 30-degree-weather; big deal!). Is this because, again purely through observation, that girls just get colder than guys? And if that's the case, there was no worse or least effective way of making yourself warm, when you boil it down to its core. The scarf when worn correctly, covers up only a finite part of your body and not very well, I might add.

From the look of this diagram for trendy moms, it would appear that you have to follow a lot of instructions and also you're barely covering all of your neck. In fact, I'd hypothesize (ya know, like what scientists do) that about in total 25% of your neck isn't getting covered up, using wrapping techniques like this and other popular ones. That's a lot of your neck and better yet, that's 25% of you that's not staying warm. Let's also not pretend that most scarves are of light material, which is kind of like wearing a dryer sheet for warmth (though with a dryer sheet you're eliminating the potential of static electricity and smelling fresh as a daisy!).

Also look at all those instructions. At least with a neck tie all those instructions are going to last you for a while, because you're not deciding to take it off mid way through. You're committed with a neck tie and that's the big difference, friend. So put that argument away. Unless you're the dashing George Clooney.

So when you're wearing your scarf indoors, don't say that it's for warmth, because it's doing about as much for you in the warmth department as my broken watch is doing for me in the telling time correctly more than twice a day department: not much.

So maybe it's a fashion thing. In fact, I whole heartedly know it's a fashion thing and it still kinda baffles me. Because when it comes down to a fashion thing, as I said above, it's kind of distracting. Am I supposed to be okay with a wadded up pile of cloth just resting under your chin like it isn't a big deal? Plus, and I don't know why, but what if you're wearing a shirt or a top that has writing on it and the scarf is obscuring the writing and I wanna read it. What do I do, ask you to lift up your scarf? Well then you've got a scarf-smoke-screen and that's worse. Frankly, the only solution I see here is just not wearing a scarf indoors anymore. Unless that indoors is a meat locker or an equally cold place. This is applicable to males and females alike (just so it's clear that I'm not completely a pig or something). And because this is so timeless and not at all a better made observation (ugh, 6 years ago) here's a clip that also captures such relevance.