I Am A Disgusting Human Being

As a person, I've done some pretty disgusting things in my lifetime. Like most people. It's only natural. Like pooping. The number of times I've claimed that I was dying of death from unfavorable bathroom experiences are probably unimaginable. But I should probably stop talking about this, because it doesn't exactly at all apply to what I had planned on writing about and also not everyone seems to be "that interested" in it. Though if you're ever down to talk poop stories, I'm here for you. You're not alone in this. Now where was I? Ah yes, disgust....

After living in a climate that regularly dips it's toes in the dismal side of the thermometer, one of the perks of going to school and living in Chicago is the winter. Does it come with it's downsides? Oh the number of times I've had to chop my way out of the forrest of "Uh oh! Well I hope you have a winter coat ready!"s from parents of friends (usually dads) or kindly random adults... I swear it's like they've heard my draft number was just called and I'm about to be shipped to the Nung River (though they should really be wondering what a draftee is doing serving on that kind of mission), but are too afraid to ask the real question(s). And to answer that question, yes it certainly feels that way sometimes.

The concern for my attire aside, I don't mind the weather conditions. Is it weird planning your day around the number of jackets you'll wear? Sometimes. Lately it's been three jacket days along with long johns, which within seconds have me talking like a hero. And while most people I know here look at this like we're Groundhog Daying Stringer Bell's least favorite kind of day, there's part of me that'll miss this.

I was talking to my mom the other night and she asked me if I was getting sick of this weather and while I think it's just bled into my life now, there's a sense of accomplishment to living in these conditions. You feel like MacReady from The Thing, though my computer chess game is, admittedly, nonexistent. Unless the cold is a metaphor for computer chess? No? Yeh, I'm okay with that. Though however okay I seem with *waves arms around* all of this, I did do something disgustingly unforgivable.

Now this was three weeks ago, but fortunately for everyone it's pretty timeless. The Monday that classes started, January 27, I and all of Chicago had the opportunity of feeling Hoth*-like temperatures in the flesh! I don't know why this was exciting when more than a month before this I learned that 1 degrees feels the exact same as 7 degrees, but it just was. I would be dealing with temperatures that could potentially pull out my spinal-cord through my chest, brain still attached, freeze me in place and then shatter me with said spinal-cord/brain like it's a friggin' flail (Flawless Victory). Or if that visual's too graphic for you then replace it with the 1998 straight to video Batman: The Animated Series movie. Either way, it was gonna be *takes off sunglasses* sub zero. YEAAAAHHHHHHHH! And on that Monday, it was cold. So cold I spent probably 10 minutes max outside that day. I was taking no risks, because I wasn't jumping at the chance to end up like Han Solo circa 1980 (so many references to the cold in that movie).

*If you're ultimately smart and semi-fortunate enough not to recognize what Hoth is then you haven't wasted a portion of your life to Star Wars. Hoth is the ice planet that Empire Strikes Back starts out on. It's pretty much the reason why Empire is the best of those stories, other than the fact that Empire is just an all-around good flick.

It was pretty much the same deal the next day, maybe even colder. Walk to class. Feel my tear ducts freeze. Sit in class where it's too warm. Walk back to my building. Have tear ducts freeze again. Stay inside for the next 18 hours. Go to the bathroom when necessary (or when needing to read).

Both days I waited until 8:50 to get out of bed for my 9AM classes, because I was strongly convinced that an email would be sent rewarding us with buildings being closed and classes being cancelled. Obviously no such thing happened, which means I'm stronger than you chumps, because I've lived through -13 degree weather. But the truly disgusting part comes now. There was one instance where I checked the weather on my phone to see what fierceness I'd be facing the next day. For about eight straight hours it was going to be -15 degrees, which didn't bother me much because I was going to be sleeping. At 8AM the tide was set to change to -13 degrees and then up to -11 at 9AM. When I saw and processed that four degree shift my first thought were not the following:

-Death
-Ugh.....I hate the cold
-I miss home
-I wonder what I'll have for breakfast?
-I wonder if I'll have to slay a Tauntaun for warmth tomorrow?

Nope, it wasn't any of those reasonable to semi-reasonable things any rational human being would think. Nope, I was blessed enough to have the thought of "Ilck, it's gonna be getting warmer around 9." What kind of monster thinks that? Me, I'm that monster.

Do not look to me to care for another human being or any living creature. They will confuse and scare me, and I can't be held responsible for what happens to them. Do not let me vote, even though I am of legal age (I am not, however, registered so don't worry about that one as much). What's this place done to me? Where once I looked at myself as MacReady, now I can't help but think I'm the thing (hey!) he was fighting. I'm gonna need some time to think some things out. Get my affairs in order. Pray for my family.