Crackers Not Crapkers

Yer probably thinking' "hey, what exactly is a 'Crapker?' I mean I've heard of a 'cracker' and I've certainly heard of a 'crapper,' but what's all this now?!" Worry not, this is just some light and boisterous wordplay concerning another hard-hitting issue you never knew was important. Not since the man in the hat vs. the overrated-not-that-great-Limey-good-for-nothing have I, me, put such important and intense thinking into something. It's an age old debate and one of great importance and falling on the wrong side of things could result in utter chaos: things could go topsy-turvy, raining cats and dogs, forks using people to eat food!

You know what this is about and I'm insulting your intelligence by even saying it or entertaining the wrong idea by talking about it. But lets stop beating around the bush and get real. Lets talk about why Cheez-Its are about a million (maybe more) times better than crumby (it's a loaded adjective) ol' Gold Fish.

Indy Vs. Bond: The Rivalry You Never Thought Of

(Don't know why this is at the top of the page right now

but it is so just remember how much ya love it. And also

remember that I wrote this in High School, so hold some

judgement because we weren't all perfect in high school)

In film class today we just got done watching Dr. No. It was my first time seeing it and ya know, it was good I guess. I think people feel obligated to like it, because it's the first James Bond movie; it's filled with diarrhea music(*) and that's very distracting for me. After we finished up watching it, I brought up the fact that if I had to choose to win in a fight, I'd take Indiana Jones against James Bond.

BLASPHEMY!(apparently...)

(*) That sounds gross, it's because it is. Diarrhea music is when a movies or TV shows overplay music during a scene and for no apparent reason. Dr. No is chalk-full of it, some episodes of Friday Night Lights season 1 have it bad too and the first episode of Justified has it as well.

The Comprehensive Sam Wieland Media Diary Idea He Stole From Director Steven Soderbergh-February 2015

I don't think I have to explain myself to you people, not twice at least, so here's the January entry of this for context and one of those ICYMI (which stands for "In Case You Missed It"-sometimes people don't know what stuff like that stands for, and as far as I'm concerned ICYMI is a top-five acronym).

A Parks And Rec Mix-Tape To Give To Your Loved Ones (Seasons 1&2)

 

We're closer than I'd like to accept to the end of one of my favorite television shows of all time. Next Tuesday (tonight) marks the end of one of the most genuinely pleasing, personal, hilarious, touching and altogether brightest shows to ever grace our brains, hearts, spleens, etc. Parks And Recreation. You will be missed and never forgotten, or else.

I Know Who I Was Looking Out For A Year Ago (Number 1, That's Who)

Should I have shame for what I've done? Should a man feel shame for loving his wife? Should a burrito feel shame for being delicious? Or should a boy who grew up on the other side of the tracks feel shame for being the new/bad boy in town, with the whole world and bagels at his disposal - should he feel shame? No. He shouldn't, but sometimes he does. Especially when he's forced to go to cotillion (what the hell even was cotillion?, he had to ask himself; surely no such thing happened in Chino), or when his mom showed up (not even the same woman from the pilot!) and got sloppy drunk at that casino night. Homeboy even picked up hours at The Crab Shack to fit in and almost got pulled back into the wrong crowd, via leather wristband-clad douche, Donnie. But the boy prevails, but not without having blood be shed, from his nemesis no less. But Luke Ward was not Ryan Atwood's nemesis; the environment was the enemy, as it was Seth Cohen and Sandy Cohen's. They were outsiders looking in and living in, like we all were. For you see, The O.C. is inescapable.

The Comprehensive Sam Wieland Media Diary Idea He Stole From Director Steven Soderbergh-January 2015

For those of you who, for whatever reason, don't know Steven Soderbergh (director of your favorite movies like the Ocean's series, Out Of Sight, Traffic, Haywire, Contagion, Behind The Candelabra and so much friggin' more) releases a media diary at the end of every year. He makes note of everything he takes in from an entire year almost as if to shame those who think they take in a lot of content. It's not a competition, but Soderbergh's got you beat no matter what and his picks never cease to be interesting. Here's his respective lists: 2014, 2013, 2012.

The Definitive Music Guide To Regular Show

Yes. I'm a twenty-year-old boy about to write about a cartoon and music that best personifies some of their characters. I do not blame you in anyway if you choose to stop reading, frankly, anything after this and rethink your life. However, if you could still give me that page view, it'd be ever so kind. Alright now on to the comprehensive and definitive music guide to characters from the cartoon Regular Show.

Scarf It Down......Deep, Deep Down

I've realized something these past two or so years living in Chicago. It's mid-west territory, obviously something I wasn't manufactured for, especially with all the mysteries it brings. But, like a less (much less) manly Teddy Roosevelt, I ventured into this untamed and uncharted territory and, while I certainly haven't become the cowboy he was, I'd say I'm doing puh-retty, well. Except for one small thing, that I just can't seem to shake. I should preface this by saying, I'm more than aware of how particular this is; it's boarder line insane that I'm actually putting words to this, but hey, ya gotta give the people what they want. And that is a Sam-itorial (kinda like "editorial"; thank you Musers). Am I prepared for the friends I'll lose after this? That's a risk you take in this industry (what industry?). And before you mutter to yourself after reading, oh lets say the forth paragraph, "you're ridiculous" or "this is ridiculous" might I make this counter point? You're ridiculous.

Please Don't Hire Me To Do Music At Yer Wedding [UPDATED]

What's prompting this? I'll tell you and it yer not going to like it.

The Importance Of Bread

It's July 31st and nope, there hasn't been anything put in the record books for July. Yet. Sure, I had my computer while I was away, but I was on it maybe two times out of the month. And even then I was checking very important things. Things like......I don't even remember anymore, but they must've been so important that I had to wipe my brain of them, Men In Black style (there's part of me that's shocked that this is a real thing that has 25,000+ views and then there isn't) so as not to disclose their importance to you or hey, maybe even you! I've got camp stories that'll fill yer ears till the cow comes home (that's an expression, right?),but I really need to get something cranked out so as not to look irresponsible. Even if this is the probably forth time this year I've made a post saying that. Please, wipe that disgusted look from your face, it's not that shocking. Oh wait, did you also just watch the music video to Will Smith's titular song "Men In Black," because it was in the suggested videos? If so then that disgusted face is fine.

The Briefest Introductory To Summer You'll Ever Read

At It Again-I'm On Summer's Time Now

Listen, I get it. This is just another excuse for me make my stats look good. Even if it is with one half assed post. I'm no fool. I'm no dummy.

I Am A Disgusted Human Being

Wanna know how prepared I was to write this? In my stupid big fat brain I knew I wanted to do this like two months ago. It just kept getting put into the "you can write this later, man" part of my brain. I'm even feeling that right now. I mean, it's already 4:58 in the afternoon?? Wait. Oh God. Did I say two months earlier? Dammit, I meant, yep, just about three months now. Or not? When did this happen, beginning of February? Alright, we're closer to three months than we are two months. But this just shows how dedicated I am to all of this. Get yer expectations ready folks, because they're about to be obliterated by a verbal sledgehammer.

I Am A Disgusting Human Being

As a person, I've done some pretty disgusting things in my lifetime. Like most people. It's only natural. Like pooping. The number of times I've claimed that I was dying of death from unfavorable bathroom experiences are probably unimaginable. But I should probably stop talking about this, because it doesn't exactly at all apply to what I had planned on writing about and also not everyone seems to be "that interested" in it. Though if you're ever down to talk poop stories, I'm here for you. You're not alone in this. Now where was I? Ah yes, disgust....

What All's Changed In A Year, Especially After Something So Heroic And Momentous?

First off, if you weren't aware, yesterday was the anniversary of something incredibly significant. Something everyone should remember, and if you don't then yer just plain, well, dumb. And it's no knock on you, after all it's not like this country-nay WORLD- has been celebrating for the past who knows how many years! There's only one special thing that could happen on November 11 and that's the remembrance of me publishing this historic blog post all those months ago. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Oh God. Veteran's Day was yesterday too. Oof. Well, I already wrote down just how important the post is, so just... I don't know. I guess two important things happened yesterday in history, I'll leave you to be the judge of what ranks higher.]