From Now On You Can Go Ahead And Think Of Me As Better Than You

Edmund Hillary. Tis a silly name. I know very little about this Eddy Hillary, but these are things I'm choosing to paraphrase from his wikipedia page. He had a dad named Percival (probably went by the name Percy). He went to something called "Grammar School" and in high school he received "average marks," which is way less interesting than if he had received "average Marks." He also became a bee keeper, which probably got him bullied on occasion. But whatever, those are just facts and it's not like they're falsified, because who would care enough to give this Edmund Hillary guy a bad rep? All that does matter is that probably the only important thing that he did is something he and I definitely have in common. Nope not the bees. Edmund Hillary climbed a mountain, all the way to the tippy top.

Does it matter what mountain he climbed? Maybe to the Hillary estate (if there even is one), sure, but in this current context lets not boil anything down to however many more feet he (potentially) climbed than me. But we should definitely not ignore the fact that I climbed a mountain in a little over an hour and a half, where as it took that loser guy 7 weeks (can you believe it?) to do so. We should also not ignore that I climbed a mountain by myself and ol' Edmund needed a Sherpa when climbing a mountain (AKA he needed help). And there's nothing wrong with needing help, but if someone like me can do this, ya know, climb a mountain, than surely some bee keeper could've done the same.

Another diff (difference) is I took the time to catalog this excursion, because uh duh, Edmund Hillary! Why wouldn't you have some photographic proof of showing how much better you are than someone who, I dunno, hasn't climbed a mountain? Hillary, you stupid, beautiful clod. Now if you'd be so kind as to bask in my mountain climbing, sherpa-less achievement, I'm sure it could only inspire you to try something just as majestic.

Was this at the top? No. Was it at the tippy-top? Still no! This was just me being like "look at all that sky stuff! What're they called......I know this, come on Wieland! Clouds! No. No that's not it. Well, I'll  just call those things that. For now." Turns out it was clouds. Still, look at them big hills (also called mountains)!

That's right, I wore my Kevin Youkilis shirt when I climbed the mountain. Why? Have you seen that guy, have you seen his batting stance? I couldn't think of another 2008 American League Hank Aaron Award winner's shirt I'd rather wear. However, I had to ditch my shirt at the top of a lift (named, after some light research was conducted, the Storm King) near the peak. As you can see, it's drenched with my sweat (think it's gross looking at it, imagine wearing it) so I decided to leave it on a rock to dry by that yellow bastard of a sun (who caused the sweating in the first place) and his partner the wind, the clear good cop in this odd, but necessary metaphor. Thankfully I still had a jacket that I could wear, thus keeping me from being a weird shirtless weirdo climbing a mountain.

Was I worried that my shirt might not be there when I got back. Of course and at one point I found a beaver close by and for a hot minute I was ready to start cross examining an animal about possibly stealing my shirt. It didn't, but what if it had? What's he gonna use it as, some kind of oddly specific 2004-2012 Red Sox tent? Nothing's out of the realm of possibility and I stayed suspicious until I found it again. And it was almost completely dry too!

I don't know if there's a base of the peak, but yeh, why not, I think there is. This hay riddled path that eventually just turns into rocks, I will not lie, really makes you wonder if all this is worth it in the end. Why? because this was the absolute worst freaking part. The incline! Hey, it's like it was inclined(!) to make the climb a pain in my buns. It was also at the top of the rocks where I ditched my backpack, because I've seen enough things with people riding in boats to know that there's something in this world called dead weight, and who needs that? Not me, I says!

Alright. I need to make something abundantly clear. I am not a guy who goes to shirtlessness, especially in public. I'm just not that kind of guy and I'm happy to not be part of that club*, but you have to believe me when I say that conditions were dire. I mean, climbing a mountain is already pretty dire (did I mention that I'm technically fearless now?), but if I had kept that jacket on all the way up, then....I probably would've just gotten more hot than I already was. That sun was just so damn relentless. And no one was around and I had to take a picture for validation, especialy to prove that Edmund Hillary isn't all that special. You'll also notice that I have earbuds in. I listened to all of Twin Cinema and Together all the way to the tippy top. Why? Because yuh gotta stick it to Canada somehow. Then, it was London Session tracks because I'd be kicking myself if I just didn't. You're probably wondering how I was able to maintain my cool guy mentality on the way down. Worry no more! It was Yeezus and College Dropout; I know, it's ridiculous how cool and in touch I am.

And in case you were wondering, that was the only basis I had for using that picture of Kanye and Justin Vernon at the top of this post. It pays off, people!

*Membership Requirements: taking pick-up basketball very seriously and when playing defense, you're that guy who just makes a loud noise, because you think it's effective in distracting someone when they put up a shot

 This is a panoramic from the tippy top. Of a freaking mountain. Impressed? Well there's more so try and keep it together for me!

I think this is also a panoramic. It kind of matches up with the one before this. Gonna complain that they don't synch up? Well it's not called the puzzle picture way of taking those things, so gimme a break, please. Jeez.

Yeh, yeh, more of the same. Look at them big hills again. And all them trees. *yawns* No man, it's really cool.

*looks up from phone* Ever wonder if all this social media is making us all less social?

Bleh. Vile. Throw-up-ville, party of everyone!

As you can see, I'm very much laughing in the face of danger, Edmund Hillary and a fine that I'd like to see the state of Colorado try and pin some (Tom) Petty "crime" on me! As far as they're concerned, I'm hiding better than Dr. Richard Kimble. Not that I'm hiding or anything.

I was walkin' down from the ol' mountain that Edmund Hillary may or may not have also climbed too. I saw this snow and I just couldn't help myself from thinking "man, I need to shred these tasty slopes!"

Well that's all folks. If I can leave you with anything it's this: suck it Edmund Hillary, I am your equal and you just have to deal with it.