Crackers Not Crapkers

Yer probably thinking' "hey, what exactly is a 'Crapker?' I mean I've heard of a 'cracker' and I've certainly heard of a 'crapper,' but what's all this now?!" Worry not, this is just some light and boisterous wordplay concerning another hard-hitting issue you never knew was important. Not since the man in the hat vs. the overrated-not-that-great-Limey-good-for-nothing have I, me, put such important and intense thinking into something. It's an age old debate and one of great importance and falling on the wrong side of things could result in utter chaos: things could go topsy-turvy, raining cats and dogs, forks using people to eat food!

You know what this is about and I'm insulting your intelligence by even saying it or entertaining the wrong idea by talking about it. But lets stop beating around the bush and get real. Lets talk about why Cheez-Its are about a million (maybe more) times better than crumby (it's a loaded adjective) ol' Gold Fish.

Both are crackers with a very specific, yet, deceitful purpose: fooling you and me into thinking we're eating cheese. They're not cheese, but they kinda taste like it, but it's not the full calcium experience. In fact there's probably no calcium in them at all (I suppose I could look that up, but with Big Calcium running things the way they are, who can I trust). But give credit where credit's due, because some people (uh me) don't like eating cheese by itself and I don't know about you, but I don't have the time or knives to cut up some cheese and pair it with a cracker whenever I'm craving such a snack. This is me being neutral right now, because that's important; why fire shots, when in cheese-cracker Switzerland?

Now things get personal. Cheez-Its are better for a lot of reasons, one being that they are smart enough to have the word (well close enough to the word) "Cheese" in their product. And not only did they put it in there, but they put a fun twist on it with that "z"? Who would do that but a brand and cheese cracker that wanted to ensure you had an optimal snacking experience. Plus, isn't it kind of fun to say too?  "Cheez-It!" like yer being transported to the past to simpler times. Or maybe you're getting to experience the mystery and danger (without the actual danger) of what it must've been like as a 30's gangster or child in the fifties who just hit a ball into a neighbor's window.

In the first scenario, it's a black and white world and the city looks a lot like one of those Hollywood (more like Hollyweird) sound stages. You've robbed a bank, like a hero, because your family needs a cut and your the breadwinner in the family-suddenly, you hear sirens. It's the coppers and you need to let your crew know to get out of there. What do you yell? "Chee(se)z-It!"

In the second scenario, you're just a precocious child, enjoying those summer days away from the classroom. Your shoes are getting some grass stains on em and hey, look at that, you've got a little bit of dirt on your face from having maybe just a little too much fun by sliding into home plate in an all-frills game of good ol' fashioned baseball. You were walked during your last At Bat by Petey Barbson, your school yard nemesis now, but you two will eventually go on two tours in Vietnam together and you'll form a strong friendship; you'd do anything for Petey after he saved you from that sniper in Ben Suc (unfortunately Petey will lose his left foot after stepping on a land mine in the middle of your second tour; it got weird between you two after that and you drifted apart, but for the better considering he picked up a nasty drinking problem once returning back to the states), but that's in the future and this is now. You're back up at the plate and he's pitched you two curve balls in a row, taking you for some sap, but you know Petey's style. He's throwing one right down the middle of the plate this time, because he thinks he's got you in a bind and he wants you to strike out looking. He throws, you swing, contact is made and it's a doozy, Barbson can't believe it. But wait. Oh no. It's bee-lining right towards the back window of the Chapman house! There's only one thing to say to everyone that the game is over and you need to beat it before trouble finds you: "Chee(se)z-It!"

Notice that if you were to have said "Goldfish!" in either of those scenarios, you'd be the laughing stock of your respected groups of friends, or posses. And just look at that name for a second. Goldfish crackers had to steal their name from a household pet favorite! Plus isn't there just a little too much hubris in being called gold? Where are your credentials, Goldfish and just what competition have you favored the highest placing in? Was it in worst cheese-cracker, because I'd believe it.

Those seem like low blows, after all you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but I've tasted both of these books and something stinks and it rhymes with "moldblish" (Goldfish). The taste of a Goldfish cracker is nothing spectacular, if anything it's slightly below adequate. And if you think the argument of you eating them and loving them as a child will stand up here, then rethink your argument, councilor, because while justice is blind, her taste buds certainly are not. Sure, children are the future, but children like really terrible things that they think are great. Doc McStuffins, pieces of uncooked hot dogs, not sharing: all terrible things and all equally bad as the taste of a Goldfish. Don't let nostalgia let you say you like the taste of a Goldfish, because nostalgia tells you lies.

A Cheez-It on the other hand packs a punch with all of its flavor. It's never too salty and sometimes in a batch you get one that some how stayed in the oven just a little bit longer than the others. Do you know what that is? That's magic and something you'd never find in a bag of Goldfish crackers. Know what else you get with a Cheez-It? Clarification. Cheez-It makes it clear that you're going to get Cheez-It Hand once you've started chowing down, it does nothing to hide that from you. It goes full disclosure, right off the bat. Goldfish crackers like to give you a false sense of hope, making you think that your hand isn't in need of washing after you've devoured handfuls of them (why you'd want to devour handfuls of that cheese-cracker is beyond me). Maybe a light brushing off on your pants will get the job done? What, were you raised in a barn! Go wash your hands, you filthy animal and stop eating those disgusting fish.

Cheez-Its are loyal to their market. They're not trying to monopolize the cracker and cookie industry, because why would you want to eat a cookie that's associated with cheese? They're simply a cheese-cracker who know that flying too close to the sun will only result in being a very stupid boy. Have they expanded their cheese-horizons? Yes, because if you don't provide a little variety, people will get bored with you and like any good relationship, you want to keep things a little spicy every now and again. But that leads me to wonder just what heartless cooperation would try to rebrand their cheese-cracker as something else?


Isn't that just shameful? They don't even have the decency to name them something other than Goldfish, which is false advertising. Driven by vanity, that's all I see. It's like they've lost sight of providing for the people and are cooperate sellouts. What's wrong Goldfish, Milanos were just a little too popular for you? Why start a war no one wanted against the, and I hate to even bring them up, noble Teddy Graham? What'd these jovial bears ever do to you, besides just make people happy? You know what, don't even answer, because I'm sure whatever it is you have to say is just slick talkin' jargon you picked up on Wall Street, and I don't like the cut of that jib. But just to let you know, bears eat fish and are really good at it.

Some would also say that it's just plain fun to eat a Goldfish, because you're getting to act like a kid again, pretending that the fish is swimming into your mouth. Well I've got some problems with that. For one, why isn't your fish flailing around in the air, fish-gasping for water, because it's a fish outta water (this is not a metaphor). Secondly, I don't know what kind of power trip you get from playing some demented god where you're able to pick your fish from a bag and have them pretend like they're doing it willingly, but that just ain't cool. Plus your a grown person, stop playing with your food and also take your elbows off the table. With Cheez-Its you're solving the age old question and defying the odds. HOW? Well that square peg is going into the circle hole.

"I'm a smug douche who wears sunglasses
to remind people of the power trip I'm
always high on-Whoooooooooooooo!"

And just what's the deal with Goldfish's mascot, Finn? We get it, yer a fish, but that name's just not for you. Yer better off being a Chad, plus am I supposed to take some sort of enjoyment out of eating Finn and his community of friends and neighbors he's accumulated in his years of existence? Ya know there are people out there who are opposed to eating veal, but I bet they don't lose an ounce of sleep knowing how many times the Goldfish community has suffered a Crackercide (like genocide, but with crackers). Plus, why would you want to eat what is so clearly a douchey fish? Why's he always wearing sunglasses? Is he blind, because if so, I whole-heartedly apologize for attacking such an icon and hero to that community. Looks like those retinas are doing just fine. Apology redacted.

Cheez-Its are to quality as Owen Wilson is to a weird, but charmingly effed up nose.

Goldfish are to disappointment and regret as.....hmm, I'm sorry, there just isn't anything as disappointing or something that will fill you with regret quite like a Goldfish cracker. So if for some reason there's a bag (they can't even be in a box for crying out loud!) of Goldfish in a cabinet or snack pantry or whatever, go do the right thing and incinerate them, that way no possible living thing could contemplate eating one. And if you feel the urge to chow down on a cheese-cracker, I think we all know what you need to do (ya go out and ya get some Cheez-Its, or if you want a more authentic dining experience, buy some actual cheese and some actual crackers and be elegant for once in your life).