Since November, my roommate and I have been without cooking gas. If you've interacted with me in some capacity than you know this and you also know that I haven't explained very well why we don't have it. We just don't, what's with the interrogation? You apart of Big Gas or something? Annnyway, because of a lack of a working oven and stove, a lot of cereal's been consumed here at the ol [assign fun name for our apartment here]-lotta walks down nostalgia lane with the selections and for once in my gah dang life I decided to mix it up (almost) every time a new box was needed, ya know, for consumption.
While these cereals were different, they all had one thing in common: there is no and there never will be a universal serving size for cereal. I saw one of those big bags of knockoff Cocoa Pebbles or something and it claimed oh so confidently that it could serve 29 bowls. I didn't take it as a challenge nor did I buy a big bag of knockoff Cocoa Pebbles to test what I can only assume is a claim made by a mad man. Or a Smurf or any other being that could realistically make anything carrying cereal, be it box or jumbo bag, last for 29 bowls. That is fiction-a tall tale of the modern age! 29 bags......what a load of malarkey. On average, I think I made a box that wasn't "family sized" last four bowls-if it was a family sized box, then it probably lasted five bowls.
People complained about Girl Scout Cookie boxes getting small a couple of years ago, and that's something that needs caution thrown at it. But where is the concern for our cereal boxes! One day you're kicking back, enjoying probably 6 bowls of cereal a box with not a care in the world, but we're living in a different time now. And that wasn't one of those "family sized" boxes either; who knows what feasts those boxes were able to feed back then. Simpler times, friends, simpler times.
Before I had written these down, it felt like I'd dove much deeper into cereal waters in these past three months, but from what my memory can recall, I'd only....sampled(?) about five cereals. Nothing new, all tastes from memory's past; some were good, some were great and some made me question why I had so many bowls of it when I was younger. On to the necessary accolades.
The Man Do I Not See The Appeal In These And You're Only Fooling Yourself If You Think This Is The Best Of The Batch With All Due Respect To Mike Birbiglia Award
Cinnamon Toast Crunch: What a disappointment. I thought I should just get this out of the way now, that way you won't feel cheated at the end or midway through these prestigious awards. I'm a cinnamon fiend, and you'd think ol' CTC would solve that problem, but naw, if anything, it contributed to the problem. This might just be the Goldfish of cereals in that it's adored by the easily swayed and taste bud deprived. All flavor these deceitful little squares have is washed away to the milk, and then it might as well be like someone spiked your bowl of milk with (rough estimate) 1500000000000000 spoonfuls of sugar. Disgraceful, no way chefs Quello, Wendell and Bob (seriously? Bob? way to drop the ball fed to you General Mills) signed off on this.
The You're Better And You'll Always Be Better Than Your Brother Please Never Go Away Again I Think I'm In Love With You Award
French Toast Crunch: True love is hard to come by, because as we all know there's a lot of fish in the sea. Frankly, there's just as many cereals out there too and some stick around and others fade into memory, possibly returning and possibly not. Thank God, no, Thank Quello, Wendell and Bob that they decided to put their culinary skills back to the clear victor in the Toast Crunch cereal market. It's a nearly flawless cereal, especially compared to the fella right above this one. I know, it's not fair to compare, but it's just the truth. Another award French Toast Crunch could very believably be up for is The Roof Of My Mouth's Sore From Eating You, But I Think That's A User Error *As You Pour Your Third Bowl In A Sitting* but that was a bit too long.
The They Should Seriously Consider Just Making Chocolate Milk By Straining It From A Bowl Of This Award
Cocoa Pebbles: Between you and me, French Toast Crunch and Cocoa Pebbles are up for the MVP award. But there's no competition when it comes to the left over milk category, because that's nectar of the gods, no doubt about it. There's not a better chocolate milk out on the market, sorry Kroger, yer reign has ended-damn shame if Momofuku hasn't taken advantage of it. Also, not that it should come as a surprise, but it's even better with whole milk holding it up (I grew up on 2%, the world of whole milk is new to me, stop judging).
The Never Again, God As My Witness Will I Eat These Circular Bastards As Long As I Live Award
Honey Nut Cheerios: Regular Cheerios could also win this. Do not trust that bee. I also made the mistake of buying two boxes of these because there was a sale, a worthless sale! God, probably because no one wants to eat these (except for Omar, proving that he's tougher than I previously thought).
The Oh This Is Just An Angry Version Of Cinnamon Toast Crunch But Without The Hint Of Cinnamon ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Award
Golden Grahams: Award says it all. They're rough on the roof of your mouth too, but not in a deterring way. It's a cereal to take on like every other year or something. I'd advise against drinking the leftover milk, one because it takes an offensively pale-gold color that is just no good. But this isn't The Stay Away, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200 And Do Not Drink This Milk Award, because these are the cereal awards, uh duh.
The Oh Man Why Is My Poop Greenish Blue? Am I Dying Or Is It Because Of This Breakfast Cereal I've Been Eating Lately I Mean That's Gotta Be It Award
Crunch Berries: There's truth in this award, that's why Crunch Berry won it. As far as I know, Fruit Loops could not win this award and neither could [insert other breakfast cereal that has same color scheme]. Incidentally, I didn't eat these recently, I had them back in August, but they left quite the impression on me and also I think the roof of my mouth has just now recovered from being torn up to holy hell, because anything coming from the ol' not good enough to be an Admiral Crunch must have tiny, edible razorblades in them.
The I Only Had One Bowl Of It And That Was Good Enough For Me I Swear Award
Reese's Puffs: Thankfully I was at a meeting and the snacks provided were cereals (that's a little thing called a sign from God that these awards were meant to happen). One was CTC and I'd already learned my lesson there and tried to warn as many people as possible about the dangers of it; the other was Reese's, a box that had been tempting me for a while in aisle whatever at our local grocer. What luck I was in, to be able to get a sample of Reese's without having to throw $4 down and potentially run into another CTC or Honey Nut situation. It was fine. As the award title already pointed out, the one bowl I had was good enough for me for a while.
**Honorable Mention**
The Your Commercials Always Make You Look Delicious But We All Know When It Comes Down To It, You're A Big Fat Lie-Shame On You
Cocoa Puffs: I didn't try em, because I know Cocoa Puffs suck. They're built up in my head as the cereal equivalent of sliced bread and they may as well be as tasty as three week old bread (which is really bad bread!). Do not eat Cocoa Puffs, unless of course you live for disappointment.
Reese's Puffs: Thankfully I was at a meeting and the snacks provided were cereals (that's a little thing called a sign from God that these awards were meant to happen). One was CTC and I'd already learned my lesson there and tried to warn as many people as possible about the dangers of it; the other was Reese's, a box that had been tempting me for a while in aisle whatever at our local grocer. What luck I was in, to be able to get a sample of Reese's without having to throw $4 down and potentially run into another CTC or Honey Nut situation. It was fine. As the award title already pointed out, the one bowl I had was good enough for me for a while.
**Honorable Mention**
The Your Commercials Always Make You Look Delicious But We All Know When It Comes Down To It, You're A Big Fat Lie-Shame On You
Cocoa Puffs: I didn't try em, because I know Cocoa Puffs suck. They're built up in my head as the cereal equivalent of sliced bread and they may as well be as tasty as three week old bread (which is really bad bread!). Do not eat Cocoa Puffs, unless of course you live for disappointment.
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