Can I Get My Friend Gyasi To Watch The Bachelor? Week 3: Awareness

"Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the man you came to see: Kanye West"

It was a hot and humid Saturday night in Chicago when Ben Affleck said this in May of 2013. It was May 18, apparently. Who knew! But he didn't say it in Chicago, that's just simply where I was located when it happened, it was a day filled with traveling back and forth from my dorm to friends' apartments relocating my things. By the end of the night, I was exhausted and didn't witness Ben Affleck be more self-aware than he has been since signing up to play Bruce Wayne in a Zack Snyder run Batman fustercluck.

Ketchup: Intro, Week 1, Week 2 (oof)

Maybe the words "the man you came to see" were on the teleprompter or a card that he was reading off of, I doubt it because all he had to do was introduce the musical act. Who was going to watch SNL to see an Affleck hosted show? Now I asked this after realizing that it was his fifth time hosting, thus thrusting him into the 5-Timers Club (pretty telling that no big deal was made about it too, despite how they played it up as a joke).  But really, are there Affleck bits that pop into your head that you think of fondly? And I'm asking as someone who likes Ben Affleck. The answer's a resounding no and even Ben Affleck knew it too. That's why he said what he said and meant it.

So what does this have to do with The Bachelor, you're wondering. I'm wondering the exact same thing and am working with a lot of manic energy right now because I thought I'd have a new Kanye album I'd be listening to while composing this, but alas. Hopefully in the morning. ANYWAY what this has to do with The Bachelor is how self-aware the show is. The confidence in itself is practically unparalleled and that takes a certain kind of panache.

I'll admit it, my days of watching reality TV reside nicely in the shadows of how often I watch/re-watch The Simpsons, Parks & Rec and The Wire. In fourth or fifth grade I coulda told you a lot about The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle Of The Sexes 2 for reasons unknown, other than I was watching that for some reason (good God I'm a mess of a human being). Then in sixth grade I coulda told you a lot about Top Chef and that streak continued and still does to this day-it's the only reality based television show I made a point to watch, because of how unlike any other reality show it was. Have I missed seasons? Sure, of course and nothing fills me with more regret (sometimes). In fact, Top Chef has a season going on right now and in March it'll celebrate its 10th birthday.

But wanna know a little secret about this season of Top Chef? *cups hands around mouth* it sucks! No one has really come out as a favorite, which I'd call a problem, considering they're half way through the season. There's no Harold (Top Chef season 1 winner, baby) and more importantly, there's no Olivia (not okay about it, folks-not okay). Yes, contestants make your show and this crop is for the most part filled with generic bros that outnumber anyone kinda interesting (hold for Garrett who was the first to get knocked out but made a compelling case in Last Chance Kitchen and Marjorie who definitely feels the most qualified).

But it also just doesn't feel comfortable with itself. It's trying to be too much of what it isn't, trying to force drama outside of meals and working together/against the others; it feels unbalanced and like it has to compete with its sister programs on a network that prides itself on garbage people (ranked second to E!). Be yourself, Top Chef, embrace your strengths like The Bachelor has. And my God has it ever, especially rebounding as well as it did after a particularly bland episode last week.

I was texting one of my friends while it was on and she was watching as well, though on a delay (this is a way for me to brag about having a friend to text with during something). And once the smoke had cleared from the fireworks display that was this episode of The Bachelor she declared, void of hyperbole, that "it may have been the best episode she's ever seen"-actually let me get a direct quote *scrolls through iMessage* "that could actually have been the best episode of The Bachelor I've ever watched" *beat* "no joke." Reality TV editors are notoriously evil, enough episodes of The Soup taught me that, but they can also be composers of works not unlike Der Ring des Nibelungen by Richard Wagner. Am I calling this episode of The Bachelor the Der Ring des Nibelungen of reality TV? Yes. Yes I am.

It was immaculate and it played to its strengths. There was the always baffling "confiding emotions that make no sense (unless it's a power play which it rarely is) to someone you're competing with for the same goal," there was back stabbing (noble effort Leah who came out of nowhere), there was anticipation to a rose ceremony that wasn't aired last week (thus solidifying this week's episode as essential Must See TV) and there was puh-lenty of self sabotage. Leah put up an Isiah Thomas Game 6 of the 1988 finals-like performance, unfortunately she turned out to be more ankle than anything else and if we had the pleasure to see her continue, I can only imagine that she'd turn out as well as Thomas's Knicks career or (more likely) being the Rodman to Olivia's Jordan and Lace's Pippen.

And what's even more incredible is how well the episode paced itself, something I'm sure that gets quite overlooked in this branch of television. Think about all the hours of This Is Spinal Tap there are in the world, unseen by our eyes; guys like me tend to lose their marbles just thinking about it. Now imagine what a show like The Bachelor has and doesn't find a way to fit it into the two hour run time (for the first time, it being two hours was not ridiculous). This episode was like a friggin' rocket, once it was lit it kept going until it had to reach its inevitable stop. And do you know what followed that stop? A thunderous and totally satisfying "BANG", because The Bachelor knows what it's doing and that's great.

So why should you watch The Bachelor, Gyasi? Because it's a show that doesn't make you worry about it's capability to entertain. It knows it's The Bachelor just like Ben Affleck knows people like him fine, but they came for a guy deity named Kanye West.  And you hear that applause after his performance? Yeh, you can hear it too every Monday night around 9:01 central time too.