The Disadvantages Of Sitting

We have chairs. We have stools. We have advanced chairs (couches) and advanced stools (admittedly, just chairs, but not as high up as a stool which is an entirely separate issue). There's no shortage of these wonderful things either, it's not an over-saturated market and there appears to be no monopoly on chairs. I'm by no means an economics major, contrary to the very cool sounding terms I just used ("shortage," "over-saturated market," "monopoly" etc.) and yet I'm dumbfounded as to why in this chair-healthy world we live in we're still abusing ourselves by sitting on the ground and floor.

Sitting is supposed to be an act of comfort, something to take your mind off the pains of having legs, they-nay-we need rest. Sitting on the ground and the floor is not a way to ensure something like that, if anything it increases the stress and strain put onto your precious beautiful legs. Is one worse than the other? You're damn right it is, but it's not the one you're expecting, so I'll break it down for you.

Sitting on the floor is worse than sitting on the ground, though they are both terrible, but why is the floor so much worse? It's an easy signifier as shown here:
Why put more words to it than necessary? So if you're like me, then you'd just as soon jump to the conclusion that sitting on the ground is worse, because it's outside. Now as a person who enjoys the outside (but fully recognizes that inside is better than outside) I'm fully aware of the personal-unwritten-contract I've signed by going outside. It's gonna be pretty uncomfortable and you should just fully expect that. If the outside was meant to be 100% comfortable, God would've had chairs be a natural and not man-made thing. An argument could be made for rocks and/or stumps, but both of those things contradict the definition of "comfort" ("to soothe, console, or reassure; bring cheer to") so yuh done got burnt on that one.

If anything you should have the expectation of sitting on the ground, especially if you know you're going to be out there for a while; sitting is inevitable and unless you were smart enough to bring a folding chair or whatever the appropriate sitting equipment would be, you deserve to sit on the ground. Yeh, grass can be wet for some reason and there are twigs and bugs, but welcome to the outside, guy and get used to it. That's why sitting on the ground is not as bad as sitting on the floor, because it's expected to be bad, kinda like Batman Vs. Superman: Dong Dawn Of Justice (nice, dude).

So it shouldn't come as any surprise as to why sitting on the floor is worse, because it goes against the backbone of what the indoors promises: comfort. The indoors have adapted and evolved in our time of humanity-a cave was technically indoors for some time and unless you're Yogi Bear, a cave is just the outdoors lying to you. (You'll notice he has a chair; game-set-match.)

So going off of that what, may I ask, is comforting about sitting your tuchas on a floor, bending your knees in directions they're not accustomed to? That's right, criss-cross-applesauce, but it's known by another name, one that makes me and a lot of other folks feel uncomfortable. I won't say it, because I'm not in this for shock value, but you know what it is too. You don't see any chairs now or then so insensitively using a term to identify itself while also insisting that there should be a technique to how you sit. That's right, the floor is now telling you what to do and that's just not right.

What are other reasons that don't just end with "it's uncomfortable"? Well it encourages slouching, and that's not polite. The only time anyone is truly satisfied sitting on the floor is when they can lean up against something, which will inevitably just make your little butt go numb and then you have have dead-butt. Plus, when you take that coveted wall spot, you are the enemy of everyone in that room, even the liars who say "I don't mind sitting on the floor" or even "I like sitting on the floor." No they don't. They hate it, they're just trying to be nice. Everyone comes around and realizes that yeh, sitting on the floor is no good. But really, probably the biggest offense that the floor has committed in its existence of having people sit on it is that it makes standing seem like the better option, because it is.

Standing. Standing is better than sitting on the floor. In any other scenario, you're a downright doofus for such an assertion, but let's play it out:

INT - ROOM - EVENING

Elliott, SITTING on the floor, sees Mitch enter through the door, prepared for the meeting about to take place. He pats the floor, inviting Eric to sit next to him.

ELLIOTT

Hey, Mitch! Take a seat, who knows how

long this thing'll be.

MITCH

Oh, I'm okay standing.

ELLIOTT

Oh, urhrm, yeh okay. Do you have to leave

in the middle of it or something?

MITCH

No, I'd just rather stand.

ELLIOTT

Than sit!?

MITCH

Yup.

ELLIOTT

(Internal Monologue:)

Wow, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

I wonder if I should do the same? Nah!

ELLIOTT

Suit yourself, Mitchy! More space for me!

More people enter the room, all standing, even the president of the company, Ms. Kate Palmer, while Elliott sits on the floor for the meeting.

KATE PALMER

I'm glad everyone could make-

I'm sorry, Elliott, what are you doing?

ELLIOTT

Me? I'm just sitting here, why?

KATE PALMER

Well I was going to reward you all for

your hard work this quarter, but I've

got to say this has me rethinking things.

ELLIOTT

Me sitting here?

KATE PALMER

Yes.

There's a collective groan and everyone starts giving Elliott dirty looks

KATE PALMER

In fact, Elliott, you're fired.

ELLIOTT

Oh God, I'm fired and uncomfortable because

sitting on the floor like this, legs out and my wrists

bent using my hands to support me like stakes is terrible!

Elliott's cell phone goes off from a text he just received

ELLIOTT

Oh God, it's my wife! She's leaving me and 

taking my boat with her!

KATE PALMER

Oh Mitch, by the way, you're promoted. And can 

take Elliott's office while you're at it.

MITCH

Fantastic! 

KATE PALMER

It truly is.

An office intern comes in with one of those postal boxes filled with Elliott's personal items from his office and sets the box in front of Kate who pulls out a can of lighter fluid and drenches the box. Mitch pulls out a lighter, ignites it and tosses it into the box. Everyone celebrates as Elliott, still sitting on the floor, watches it all go up in flames.

FADE TO BLACK:

Now lets see how this would play out had there been chairs:

INT - ROOM - EVENING
Elliott, SITTING in a swivel chair, sees Mitch enter through the door, prepared for the meeting about to take place. Mitch remains standing.

ELLIOTT

Hey, Mitch! Take a seat, who knows how

long this thing'll be.

MITCH

Oh, I'm okay standing.

ELLIOTT

Oh, urhrm, yeh okay. Do you have to leave

in the middle of it or something?

MITCH

No, I'd just rather stand.

ELLIOTT

Than sit!?

MITCH

Yup.

ELLIOTT

(Internal Monologue:)

What a weirdo, lol.

More people enter the room, all standing, even the president of the company, Ms. Kate Palmer, while Mitch stands

KATE PALMER

I'm glad everyone could make-

I'm sorry, Mitch, what are you doing?

MITCH

Oh, uh, I'm just standing here, ma'am. 

KATE PALMER

Well if you'd please take a seat, you're making the

room uncomfortable.

There are no more seats, because everyone else was smarter than Mitch, because sitting is better than standing. Mitch is given looks like "this guy" and is seen as the office jerk for the rest of his career there. Elliott's cell phone goes off from a text he just received

ELLIOTT

Oh God, it's my wife! She's leaving me and 

taking my boat with her!

KATE PALMER

Oh Elliott, it's okay. At least you're able to 

take the news while sitting in a chair.

ELLIOTT

(sobbing)

Ya know what, you're right! It's not so bad, all 

things considered! Plus, I was cheating on her,

so I suppose I had this coming!

Everyone laughs, including Mitch. This got very out of hand.

FADE TO BLACK:

I don't know what that second scene was supposed to teach you, especially since it really turned the tables on that Elliott guy. But I think we can all agree that it was preferable to the first one. Even if sitting on the floor had nothing to do with Elliott's wife leaving him (and taking his boat with her). Regardless, I've made my case. I'm just gonna ease back, Daniel Plainview-style and lay on the floor, because and I don't mean to open up a whole other can of worms here, but laying on the floor is better than sitting on it. Thoughts?